Hi 4C Women,
I lived in the past for many years. The past of my youth, before marriage, was always the best in my mind which I now realize was unrealistic. My marriage was a combination of love and pain but I chose to only remember the pain for a long time. The pain justified my actions and kept me stuck in both my unrealistic youth memories, wishing for the impossible - to go back. Rather than understanding that I was in charge of how I viewed the past and how it shaped me by my own choices and actions, I just kept running from the truth. While I can't or won't deny the pain, I will not live in it today because I cannot change the choices I made back then. I can choose to appreciate how much strength I have gained, the ability to voice my feelings, to learn what are my red flags/triggers, to stop the negative thoughts and just say, I didn't do this or that so why stay stuck in anger and regret. I ask myself, what can I do NOW? Being able to look at the past and accept the lessons I have learned surprised me when I realized that was how I was beginning to reflect on the past. In doing so, it has helped me to make wiser choices, to respect myself and live in authenticity.
I think the most challenging parts of the past to let go of involve my family. As a mother, sister, daughter and wife, I sometimes wonder and, yes, wish I could go back and change my decisions. I feel inadequate and angry at myself for not doing better but as the saying goes, you do the best you can with what you know at that time. So, after my personal pep talk to counter those negative thoughts, I go back to the question I shared above - what can I do now? How can I put those invaluable lessons into practice?
Most of all, I need to forgive myself. As long as I am willing to learn, to make healthier choices, I cherish the ability to forgive myself as much as possible. When I struggle with it, I ask myself what would I say to friend if they came to me with guilt, shame and regrets? That answer is about self-forgiveness, to be our own best friend as we are to others.
Bonded in letting go of the past and healing for our future, A 4C Woman
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