Letter from an addict

Shelly  6:11am Oct 21

Hi My name is Shelly
I am just the MOM...I thought maybe I would give you a different view on the
Life of an addict..MY VIEW....
I was 15 when I had my first and only child,not yet an adult,but back then
You couldn't have told me that..
Single and living in a shack with an alcoholic father,but I was HAPPY .I was
Happy because I had no supervision,,
What a life huh?Partying my days and nights
Away with no recollections the next morning,not caring that I now had
A child to tend to,because ,why should I worry,I had my dad.Even though my
Dad was a drunk,he always seemed to
Be there for us,and now,, for this child of mine.With dads help ,I was able
To continue the way I wanted to LIVE...
Mescaline,Acid,Mushrooms,Thc,and the occasional
MR.RUSH.I wasn't out there stealing and hurting people,going through
Medicine cabinets, in and out of jail,, I MY FRIEND
WAS HAVING FUN!!!! I cared about nothing but where the next hit of acid
Was coming from,
Because I wanted to LAUGH..I never bothered to find out what this stuff was
Why would I...I knew it was fun,and fun we had,yes we did..
This continued from 13 to 25,and of course we cant forget the booze...I was
Drinking in bars at 14..Back then it was like nobody cared.
We were making memories...Where was my son?HMMMMMM,I am sure my dad was
Taking care of him in between beers.
My son moved on when I was 27,He decided that he wanted to live with his dad
I moved around so much ,I could understand why
He wanted stability..Pretty hard to make friends when mom
Is so f........ up she doesn't know you exist,(although there was all of the
Fun times we had)..So here I was
Alone at 27 finally,nobody but ME...I got a job,and a 1 bedroom apartment
(WHICH I STILL MISS BY THE WAY)
And I met people,One of them introduced me to cocaine,That first time ,
Ohhhh I still remember that first time.Within minutes I was wanting more..
I don't know how long I kept it at the simple little 1/2 gram,but I kept it
That way for maybe ohh a few weeks..then it wasn't enough..I wanted more
It called my name.And I got it,I graduated to 8 balls.
Now how was I going to pay for this?I know Ill sell it,I would sell 3 keep a
1/2 ,,yes this was working for me ,,and I could now feed my addiction.Never
Caring that things just werent right in my world.I was super human,,stay up
All night doing lines,and going to work the next day..Easy life,When it got
To hard to stay awake,I would just do more lines.I could handle this way of
Living.it was the best ,or so I thought...it just wasn't enough I needed
More,and then more on top of that.
I came home to visit my dad and told him what I was doing ,he asked me to
Stop..
But I couldn't,it called my name every waking moment,it called to me...It
Took me about 2 years to really realize I was hooked..I needed to get out of
This mess I was in,So I ran back home ,way UP north,to where I knew I was
Safe,I have been clean now for 22 years.that is just a little bit about my
F........... up life,
In the meantime,I didn't even stop to think about what my son was doing.It
Was years before I really knew the truth about how bad it really was for him
I never believed my son would get into way more than I ever could have
Dreamed of.I first heard about the cocaine he was shooting,when he was 27,of
Course I didn't want to believe this.I am just now finding out that he was
Shooting starter fluid along with the cocaine.my god,how bad is it out
There?when did he graduate to the thing that I never could have imagined
HEROIN???I watched as he lost everything,a job ,a car ,a home,and most of
All his life,no he didn't die,but he may as well have been dead..He was
Scrambling,working hard to find that next hit.When did it all get this bad?
And why couldn't I fix it?I wanted my son back.over the years I have done a
Lot of stupid things,turning him in ,making his life hell,but I didn't know
The answers,I only know for the next 10 years,I enabled my son to keep going
.I thought I was helping him to get better,but in fact ,I was making things
worse for him.In the past 2 years,i have taken a step back,and I am working
on me.I am allowing my son to work on himself.Even if he relapses,this is
his choice,not mine..I cant live under the constant stress anymore.I am
living the few years left here for ME.taking care of ME.I guess I really
wanted you all to know what goes on in a moms head and heart,when they are
watching their child spin out of control..It hurts ,,there are days I would
have rather been dead.I cant go backwards,,I must move on,with or without
him in my life.as a mom ,of an addict,I have lost grandchildren that I will
never know..how fair is that to me?I didn't ask for this.so ,why should I
have to suffer?I want you all to imagine ,for one minute,,what if this was
Your child??how would you feel? I want to help save my son,but I cant..this
isnt fair..
When did life become all about drugs..when did family become unimportant
well,I wish
you all the best of luck in your sobriety.I pray for each and everyone of
you to make your life count.
Thanks for being here,and thank you Silver,for everything that you do for so
many...