Recovery Connections Network

Wednesday, June 7, 2017

“It took me a long time not to judge myself through someone else’s eyes.” -Sally Field

“Why should we worry about what others think of us, do we have more confidence in their opinions than we do our own?” -Brigham Young

“The reward for conformity is that everyone likes you but yourself.”

-Rita Mae Brown

Sobriety and Statement #12 in action continue to assist in uncovering my strength and value. In the past I struggled with identity; by comparing myself and only seeing value as it related to other relationships. This left me in a people-pleasing mode which opened the door to emotional and physical abuse, and the phrase I uttered many times was, “I’m sorry.” I had often felt alone in the world, helpless and invisible. Alcohol fueled these feelings, with the world becoming more threatening while I slowly disappeared. I tried to make up for these feelings by being the center of attention. Today I understand that that was the only way I knew to validate myself.

Initially, it was quite frightening to see or think of myself as a competent woman but I kept repeating this Statement in thought and in writing. Saying these words soon began to feel empowering. Daily sobriety and simple tasks began to add to a growing well of competence. As my sobriety grew, so did the belief in myself. Doubt began to dissipate, replaced with feelings of self-trust. The more I trusted myself the more comfortable the world became. This felt very new and exciting.

The WFS Program is life-affirming and Statement #12 encourages introspection and acceptance. Understanding value, I feel grateful for Jean and WFS. I feel centered in life instead of trying to be the center of attention. Measuring myself with my own yardstick, I release a need to compare. With action and effort, (no matter how small) ability is increased, scope widened and I continue to become a blossoming, competent woman. Hugzzz, Karen

Sometimes it takes a single word or phrase to lessen my feelings of competency. In the past, I would hold onto that feeling and believe it as my truth. As Dr. Phil says, it takes mega positive statements about someone to erase one negative. It was recently pointed out to me as well about a Ted Talk given by Brene’ Brown where she talks about getting a job review and hears 30 things done well and one “opportunity for growth.” We forget those 30 things and think only about the “one opportunity for growth.”
It is amazing how fragile or vulnerable we can become even as we grow in our feelings of being a competent woman. This has been my journey and I feel it’s important to share. It’s vital to understand that one lapse in having a negative thought is only that - a lapse. It is not falling completely back into the woman you once were who questioned her value. Being in what I refer to as a gray area in our lives is okay. It’s the staying there that can be problematic. This temporary gray area is all part of the continuing journey of rebuilding the self-esteem, self-worth and self-love you need and deserve. It is the reward for working hard on becoming that competent woman. There will be times in our lives when our circumstances and situations may put into question just how competent we feel. This is the time to reflect honestly on all that we have accomplished, to reach out to others who know and care about us because just as we encourage and support others, we can ask to receive it as well. Let’s face it, we all need encouragement. While the work is ours to do, we are not alone and when we are in a fragile place in our lives, it may be more challenging to bolster our self-worth all on our own.
While we become independent women, we must always remember that we are also interdependent and that’s when we are mutually dependent in a healthy manner.

Who and what is part of your support system as your grow your feeling of being a competent woman?
Who can you reach out to reaffirm the positive changes you have been making?
What self-talk do you give yourself when the doubts come in
-WFS Member