How to set boundaries with an alcoholic or addict
June 3, 2012
By Lisa Espich
What Happens When You Don’t Have Boundaries
Throughout the first sixteen years of my marriage my husband, Dean, struggled with his addiction to alcohol, prescription pain pills, and crack cocaine. As his addiction continued to get worse, my ability to set healthy boundaries failed. This didn’t happen overnight – it was a gradual process that eventually left me feeling powerless. And I had a hard time trying to stop being codependent.
In the beginning of our relationship, I was a confident young woman. Unfortunately, I had failed to recognize the signs of Dean’s addiction until we were married and I was pregnant with our son. As Dean began to take on addictive behaviors, I attempted to ‘lay down the law’. I would make threats to leave if he didn’t change his ways – and he would make empty promises that helped me feel better in the moment.
Each time I allowed Dean to pass a boundary – rather than standing my ground – I would allow my boundary to get pushed further. I was stuck in a cycle of making threats even when I knew I didn’t have the courage to follow through. Dean quickly learned that my boundaries didn’t really exist, and, as a result, my self-esteem was slowly chipped away. But codependency addiction recovery is possible when you learn to set healthy boundaries. But what are boundaries?
What Is A Boundary?
A boundary is your own limit – an invisible line that you will not allow others to cross. If it is crossed, you take action in order to protect your boundary. For example: you may have a boundary that you will not allow others to put you down. If somebody crosses that boundary, you respond by letting them know you will not tolerate being put down, and then you get up and leave the room.
In my own experience, I attempted to set many boundaries, but my failure came at taking action when those boundaries were crossed. Until I could find the courage needed to stand by my words, I would continue to have others take advantage and disrespect my boundaries.
What Do You Do When People Do Not Respect Your Boundaries?
1. Respect you own boundaries. If people are not respecting your boundaries, it is because you are allowing it. In my relationship I told my husband over and over again what actions I would take if he crossed my boundaries. But over and over again, I failed to follow through. I was teaching him to disrespect my boundaries, because I did not respect them myself.
2. Don’t make threats you aren’t prepared to follow through on. Many times I threatened divorce, threatened to leave, threatened to call the police, but I never made good on those threats. I knew in my gut, even when making those statements, that I wasn’t really going to follow though — I just wanted to scare my husband into believing it. It didn’t take him long to figure out my game. I had to learn to stop making those threats unless I was prepared to keep my word.
3. Work on building up your self-esteem. The courage needed to protect your own boundaries comes from a healthy self-esteem. So how do you build up your self-esteem? This was my biggest challenge. My plan included exercise, journaling, meditation and visualization. As I began to turn my focus inward, I grew more and more confident. Eventually, I was able to stand by my boundaries, and Dean slowly learned that he could no longer disrespect the boundaries I set.
4. Reach out for help. Turn to the people who care about you. Remember that you don’t have to do this on your own. When you’re lacking strength you can borrow it. Pick up the phone and reach out to a friend. Join a family recovery group such as Al-Anon. There you can find a sponsor to help give you the courage needed to stand by your boundaries.
By learning to set healthy boundaries – and stand by them – positive changes began to happen in my marriage. My husband noticed the changes, and I sensed a new found respect from him. He grew receptive to accepting help, and eventually admitted himself into treatment. He became open to honesty in drug recovery, a parallel path to my own recovery from codependency. He has now been clean for over six years, and we are enjoying a healthy marriage. Learning to stand by my boundaries was the first step toward healing in our marriage.
Dear Joseph,
Last July, fans, friends and family mourned the loss of the talented singer and songwriter Amy Winehouse after years of her very public battle with drugs and alcohol.
This summer, Amy’s father, Mitch Winehouse, offers his personal view of his daughter’s life and takes readers on an emotional journey into her music, family and her addiction in his new book, Amy, My Daughter.
From his account of Amy singing Frank Sinatra songs as a little girl to the details of how she created her iconic and unforgettable look, Amy’s father tells the tale of the real woman behind the headlines in his compelling collection of memories and stories.
The Partnership at Drugfree.org is honored that Mitch Winehouse will host the next "Meet The Parents Hour" – a live Facebook Q&A chat – to talk about substance abuse and how it affected Amy’s life on Wednesday, June 27 at 3 p.m. EDT/12 p.m. PDT.
To make sure everyone has the chance to ask his or her question, submit yours in advance and Mitch will do his best to get to it during the session.
Submit your question to Mitch Winehouse now.
An extremely gifted singer, songwriter and five-time Grammy award winner, Amy Winehouse's tragic death was followed by a public tabloid frenzy. Today, Mitch aims to not only tell his daughter’s story, but to help educate and influence the conversation around addiction with his new book.
Don't miss out on this unique opportunity to chat live with Mitch Winehouse.
Submit your question now and then visit our Facebook timeline on June 27 to take part in the real-time conversation.
We look forward to seeing you at our next "Meet The Parents Hour."
Thank you,
Tom Hedrick
Parent Support Leader
The Partnership at Drugfree.org
P.S. If you haven't Liked us yet on Facebook, do it now so you can participate in the live chat session.
P.S.S. Text DRUGFREE to 50555 and reply YES to make a $10 donation to The Partnership at Drugfree.org. Your gift will help to continue important programs like "Meet The Parents Hour".
Message & data rates may apply. Full Terms at mGive.org/T
By Join Together Staff | June 19, 2012 | Leave a comment | Filed in Mental Health, Prescription Drugs, Research & Youth
Use of drugs for attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) in children jumped 46 percent from 2002 to 2010, according to a new report in the journal Pediatrics. Ritalin was the top drug prescribed for teenagers, with more than four million prescriptions filled in 2010.
“What the article is suggesting is that the number of children that we are treating for attention deficit disorder has gone up,” said Dr. Scott Benson, a spokesperson for the American Psychiatric Association, told Reuters. “For the most part I think the overall increase reflects a reduction in the stigma. It used to be, ‘You’re a bad parent if you can’t get your child to behave, and you’re a doubly bad parent if you put them on medicine.’”
Overall, the number of drugs prescribed to children in the United States dropped slightly from 2002 to 2010. Antibiotic use and prescription painkiller use both decreased 14 percent. Prescriptions for allergy medications, cough and cold medicines and antidepressants also dropped.
The report found 263 million prescriptions for minors were filled in 2010, down 7 percent from 2002. When population changes are taken into account, that corresponds to a 9 percent drop, the article notes. Adult prescriptions rose 11 percent during the same time period.
A recent article in The New York Times noted a growing number of high school students are using ADHD drugs, such as Adderall and Ritalin, to help them get better grades. Teens get them from friends, buy them from student dealers, or pretend to have ADHD in order to get prescriptions.
By Join Together Staff | June 20, 2012 | 1 Comment | Filed in Alcohol,Community Related, Legislation, Prevention & Tobacco
A bill passed by the New York Senate would prohibit welfare recipients from spending their benefits on alcohol and cigarettes. The bill, which passed 56-3, also bans spending of benefits on gambling and strip clubs.
In February, President Obama signed a law that requires states to restrict how the cash portion of social services is spent, or else they will lose 5 percent of funding for the welfare program known as Temporary Assistance to Needy Families. In 2013, New York will risk losing $125 million, The Wall Street Journal reports. Republican Senator Thomas Libous, sponsor of the bill, said the state must restrict spending by welfare recipients whose benefits are linked to debit cards, in order to conform with the new federal law.
The “Public Assistance Integrity Act” also would ban the withdrawal of cash from Electronic Benefits Transfer cards at automatic teller machines (ATMs) in casinos, liquor stores and adult entertainment clubs and bars. The article notes that prohibiting the purchase of tobacco, alcohol and lottery tickets would be difficult to enforce. The ban on cash withdrawals would be easier to enforce because of its paper trail.
Senator Bill Perkins, one of the few senators to vote against the measure, said it unfairly targets the poor. “It’s a prejudice, I think, about poor people that we are seeing represented more than any statistical or study of behavior,” he said. “If they have evidence that there’s a rash of that, I’d like to see it.” He said the bill wouldn’t allow a poor mother to withdraw money to buy milk if she used an ATM in a banned establishment.
Other states have banned welfare recipients’ spending on certain items, including alcohol, tobacco, guns, gambling, lottery tickets and adult entertainment.
The bill now goes to the state Assembly.
James Russell
The Bridge Group of Narcotics Anonymous provides a teleconference meeting seven days a week, three-hundred and sixty-five days a year, to carry the message of hope and the promise of freedom to addicts who are, for whatever reason, isolated from the message of recovery.
Members of our home group have included addicts who are hospitalized, home-bound due to ill-health or the failing health of a family member, new or expectant mothers, addicts who are prevented from regularly attending face-to-face Narcotics Anonymous meetings due to geographical distance, lack of transportation, or suspended driving privileges, shift workers and truckers who cannot make regular meeting times, addicts in hospice, and others who simply wish to participate in this lifesaving venture and benefit from our meetings as a supplement to their own personal recoveries.
It is not our intention or belief that The Bridge should or could replace face-to-face meetings (since nothing can replace the magic of the Narcotics Anonymous fellowship on such a personal level) but rather simply to reach those who would otherwise be unable to attend meetings. We are working, in our own small way, to ensure that no addict need ever be isolated from the message of Narcotics Anonymous and consequently die from the horrors of active addiction.
You are being contacted – in the hope that you will share this information, and keep it handy, in case you hear of someone in Narcotics Anonymous who is isolated from NA meetings for any reason. We are truly committed. We want to know about their problem and how we can help!
We are an autonomous home group of Narcotics Anonymous, registered with Narcotics Anonymous World Services, currently in our fourth year of successfully carrying the message through this new venue. Members and attendees have called in from all over the world to participate and benefit from our meetings.
In order to attend our meetings, an addict only needs a phone and the ability to dial long distance.
Our meeting schedule is available on our website –http://www.thebridgena.org/ . Please feel free to share our website address,, or meeting schedule in whatever Narcotics Anonymous gathering that seems appropriate to you, or to include this information on any area or regional website or meeting schedule.
We also maintain a presence on Facebook, and Twitter. For more information about accessing our information there, or any other questions you may have, please don’t hesitated to contact us
218 339-2626 (acess #387870)Our schedule all times eastern
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