Mommy Drunkest

No matter how much I loved my newborn son, it was never enough to get me to stop drinking. Not even when, at rock bottom, I feared my drinking might kill him.


The author with her son Courtesy of the author


By Jowita Bydlowska

07/24/12


I often imagined I would fall down the stairs with my son in my arms when I was in a blackout. There were many ways to cause him injury but it was the stairs my brain kept going back to. And yet picturing that didn’t halt my drinking.

This is what I say to my friend, Gina, when she asks me about my rock bottom. I search her face for traces of shock—a twitch, a shutter-speed blink of an eye—but her face is still.

“It’s not that I made peace with it,” I say, suddenly self-conscious. Gina nods. “But I couldn’t stop. And nobody or nothing could stop me.” Gina nods. She nods and she nods because she’s an alcoholic just like me and she knows about not being able to stop.

I recalled this conversation recently, when I heard about Toni Medranoaccidentally killing her three-week old baby when she crushed him after drunkenly rolling over him. Eight months later, she set herself on fire and died. Medrano’s family suggested she killed herself after watching Nancy Grace’s histrionic blame-game on CNN, where Grace called for murder charges, acted out Medrano’s drinking and coined the term “Vodka mom” to possibly further dehumanize Medrano.


Upstairs, I was a good mom but downstairs I was a drunk.

I saw Medrano’s suicide as a non-surprising ending to a tragic event that began with the first sip of vodka on that November 21st, 2011. I imagined myself in her place and thought that the suicide wasn’t just because of Grace’s predictable idiocy, although it may have helped push her over the edge. I think that Medrano was standing at that edge, looking down for a long time—perhaps even before her son died. When I drank, I thought about suicide too. I thought it would be a way to prevent the tragedy I was sure I was courting. I was lucky nothing happened when I drank after my son was born. I was lucky I got sober, not dead. Lucky. Not better, smarter than Medrano or even more responsible. Just lucky.

I first got sober at 27 and relapsed when I was 31, after my son was born.

When I drank, I had a routine worked out. I would put the baby to sleep in his crib and wait until my husband would go to bed. Then I would go downstairs to the living room and watch movies on my laptop and drink in secret. My husband never caught me with a drink. He knew that I was at it again but he had no idea about the extent of it. I hid bottles in the closet, in the inside lining of my purse. I hid them behind the potted plants on the deck and behind the baby’s diaper drawer and in the stroller. I hid them in my shoes. I lied. I made sure I looked well put-together. I never asked for help. It’s true that sometimes, I thought I should probably kill myself to prevent something bad from happening but, again, planning a suicide would mean admitting that something was going to happen.

I knew, too, that my drinking would catch up with me. It would be only a matter of time before I got sloppy, before my brain got too fogged up by too much booze, before I threw routines out the window. As I drank, I kept looking at the stairs. They felt symbolic. Upstairs, I was a good mom but downstairs I was a drunk. I imagined myself in a blackout, climbing up, taking my son out of the crib. And carrying my son as I walked down those tall, polished-white, slippery oak stairs.

There is the famous story that New York Times writer David Carr tells in his memoir The Night of the Gun about driving to his dealer’s house (Kenny’s) with his baby daughters and leaving them in a car for hours as he did drugs. He wrote, “God had looked after the twins, and by proxy me, but I realized at that moment that I was in the midst of a transgression He could not easily forgive. I made a decision never to be that man again.” This is the famous story but the part that I can relate to best is this short passage: “Sometime soon after that night at Kenny’s…I became convinced that something brutal and unspeakable was about to land on all of us, including the kids.” Carr entered treatment shortly afterwards.

Like Carr, I, too, was in the midst of a transgression watching those stairs. I could picture what could happen but I still couldn’t admit it. And the truth is, if anyone asked me if I needed help, I’d say, “I’m fine, there’s nothing wrong.” Yes, I realized I was in the midst of a transgression but no epiphany followed. There was no God to intervene; no clear-cut insight that would make me stop. I was unstoppable. The only hope I had left was that I might also be wrong about that.

See, foresight doesn’t always work. And even people trying to stop you are weaker than the addiction. Toni Medrano’s husband found her passed out on the couch on that fateful night and warned her about falling asleep with the baby next to her. Who knows what she said but she probably told him things were fine—that’s what I often said to my husband too. Everything is fine. (Help.) Everything is fine. Or maybe she even told him she wasn’t going to do it and she did it anyway. In the morning, her husband woke up to her yelling, "The baby is dead!"

I wrote a book about my experience as a drunk mom, which will be published in the spring. I wrote it for all kinds of reasons, the main one being so that I could try to understand how my love for my son was no match for addiction. My husband, who read the manuscript recently, said he would have had my son removed from my care right in the beginning of my relapse, had he known. Had he looked inside of the lining of my purse, the potted plants on the deck? Behind the baby’s diaper drawer? The lining of the stroller canopy? The point is, he wouldn’t have known, he wouldn’t have stood a chance against my hiding. As for me, there was no way I would’ve confessed out loud to the screaming in my head.

I eventually got sober under rather mundane circumstances: I broke a toe, my husband asked me to move out, it was summer. There was no voice from the sky, no decisions. The hope came over me simply and suddenly, completely unprovoked as I limped toward the park with my son in the stroller one sunny morning. My husband will tell you I got sober because he threatened to kick me out. But really? It could’ve been the nice weather, it could’ve been the little toe. It was not my son in my stroller. He was just lucky. I was just lucky. We lived. The epiphanies came only after I got sober.

Jowita Bydlowska is a Toronto-based writer who has previously published articles about such topics as addiction, motherhood, sex, mental illness and healthy eating in various publications such as Salon, The Globe and Mail, Huffington Post, Oxygen and more. She has a book coming out in 2013 about being a drunk mom. She also wrote about her agnostic version of AA for The Fix.

Alcohol Ads Violating Industry Rules More Likely in Magazines Popular With Teens

By Join Together Staff | August 9, 2012 | Leave a comment | Filed in Alcohol,Marketing And Media & Youth


Alcohol ads that violate industry guidelines are more likely to appear in magazines popular with teen readers, a new study finds. Ads violate industry guidelines if they appear to target a primarily underage audience, highlight the high alcohol content of a product, or portray drinking in conjunction with activities that require a high degree of alertness or coordination, such as swimming.

Researchers at the Johns Hopkins Bloomberg School of Public Health studied 1,261 ads for alcopops, beer, spirits or wine that appeared more than 2,500 times in 11 magazines that are popular among teens. The ads were rated according to a number of factors, such as whether they portrayed over-consumption of alcohol, addiction content, sex-related content, or injury content.

“The finding that violations of the alcohol industry’s advertising standards were most common in magazines with the most youthful audiences tells us self-regulated voluntary codes are failing,” said study co-author David Jernigan, PhD. “It’s time to seriously consider stronger limits on youth exposure to alcohol advertising.”

Some of the ads in the study showed drinking near or on bodies of water, encouraging over-consumption of alcohol, and providing messages that supported alcohol addiction, Newswise reports. Almost one-fifth of the ads contained sexual connotations or sexual objectification, the researchers reported in the Journal of Adolescent Health.

“The bottom line here is that youth are getting hit repeatedly by ads for spirits and beer in magazines geared towards their age demographic,” Jernigan said in a news release. “As at least 14 studies have found that the more young people are exposed to alcohol advertising and marketing, the more likely they are to drink, or if already drinking, to drink more, this report should serve as a wake-up call to parents and everyone else concerned about the health of young people.”

DON'T GET ME STARTED

About
Painkiller abuse is destroying the lives of young people and adults across Ohio. Visit http://www.DontGetMeStartedOhio.org/ to see their harrowing stories, learn about the dangers of prescription drug addiction and find out where to go for help.
General Information
Painkiller Abuse: Starting is easy. Stopping isn’t.

Prescription painkiller abuse in Ohio isn’t just a problem, it’s an epidemic. And the number of deaths is staggering. More overdoses are now associated with prescription medications than any other drug, including cocaine or heroin. Nearly 15 percent of young adults in Ohio, ages 18 to 25, admitted to the non-medical use of prescription or ille
gal drugs in 2009, according to a National Survey on Drug Use and Health.

Together, we can fight addiction.

Our partners across the state of Ohio are working to educate adults and young people about the dangers of prescription drug addiction and where they can go for help. A wide variety of resources are available to help fight this epidemic including statistics, educational toolkits, resources for community outreach and more.



Basic Info
Founded 2012


Contact Info
Phone Call the Ohio Department of Alcohol and Drug Addiction Services (ODADAS) treatment and referral hotline at 1-800-788-7254 from 8 a.m. to 5 p.m.
Website http://www.DontGetMeStartedOhio.org

WOODLAND HILLS CA.

About
If you or a woman you love needs help, please call our Admissions Department now at 1-888-866-9778. Kind and immediate assistance is available 24 hours a day / 7 days a week.
MissionRecognized by “Forbes.com” as one of the top treatment centers in the world, Harmony Place, Exclusively for Women, provides disciplined treatment for the woman who is accustomed to a well-appointed life. We offer a comfortable place to do uncomfortable work. We remove concerns for personal comfort so the individual can focus on the primary goals of treatment for addiction and dual disorders. We pride ourselves on furnishing the highest quality treatment, blending traditional and holistic approaches to successful recovery from addiction and dual disorders.
Company OverviewOur primary focus is to provide superior care and assistance to the female client and their loved ones, in the most thoughtful, respectful, confidential and compassionate manner. We hold respect and dignity of the client with the highest regard.
Description
Harmony Place supports women in recognizing and appreciating their addiction and any co-occurring dual diagnoses. Our program participants are taught to identify how addiction and other diagnoses manifest and which personal interventions are available to them to support lasting recovery. The women are guided through examination and developmental processes, fostering their ability to create their...See More
General InformationHarmony Place is helping women recover from drug and alcohol addiction.
Call now and talk to us on 1-888-866-9778

Phone 1 (888) 866-9778Emailadmissions@harmonyplace.netWebsitehttp://www.harmonyplace.net
http://harmonyplace.posterous.com/
http://twitter.com/womeninrecovery

Rapid Rise Seen in Antipsychotic Prescriptions for Children and Teens with ADHD

By Join Together Staff | August 8, 2012 | 4 Comments | Filed in Mental Health,Prescription Drugs & Youth


Antipsychotic treatment has increased rapidly among young people in the United States, with much of the increase coming from prescriptions for disruptive behavior disorders such as attention deficit/hyperactivity disorder (ADHD), Reuters reports.

In the Archives of General Psychiatry, the researchers report that antipsychotic drugs are prescribed during almost one in three visits children and teenagers make to psychiatrists in the United States, an increase from one in 11 in the 1990s.

Most of the antipsychotics are not prescribed for conditions approved by the Food and Drug Administration (FDA). In children and teenagers, antipsychotics are indicated for irritability associated with autistic disorder, tics and vocal utterances of Tourette syndrome and bipolar mania, and schizophrenia.

Researcher Dr. Mark Olfson, of Columbia University in New York, found that about 90 percent of antipsychotic prescriptions written during office visits between 2005 and 2009 were “off label,” or prescribed for a condition that has not been approved by the FDA. The article notes the effectiveness of antipsychotic drugs for ADHD is uncertain. The drugs are associated with weight gain and diabetes.

“There is very little question as to whether these drugs are being prescribed in kids much more than they used to,” Olfson told Reuters. He added he hopes parents will ask doctors more questions about antipsychotics, and whether there are othertreatment options, such as parent management training, to reduce aggressive and disruptive behavior in children.

Letting the Cat Guy Out of the Bag

Jackson Galaxy, the host of Animal Planet’s My Cat From Hell, may have a way with animals but it took sobriety to help him deal with people.

By Anna David

See Jackson Galaxy once and you’re not likely to forget him: he’s bald, has a creatively styled goatee, wears glasses and is never far from his guitar case. He’s perhaps best known as the Cat Guy who doesn’t look anything like what a Cat Guy should look like: the host of the Animal Planet hitMy Cat From Hell, the guy who turns feral beasts into purring furballs. What you may not have known about him—at least until the recent release of his memoir, Cat Daddy: What the World’s Most Incorrigible Cat Taught Me About Life, Love and Coming Clean—is that even more than a Cat Guy, Jackson Galaxy is an addict. While the book examines his relationship with Benny, Galaxy’s “original cat from hell,” it is also his own addiction-leading-to-sobriety memoir (it’s got to be the only tale of redemption that also includes information on how to get a kitty to go in her litter box).

Now over nine years clean, Galaxy, 46, can be seen in the currently airing third season of My Cat From Hell. Here, he talks exclusively toThe Fix about getting sober, going through gastric bypass surgery and how he wasn’t drawn so much toward pets as he was drawn away frompeople.

When did you first realize you were an addict?

I say this in my book but I was always the kid who just wanted more. My primal addiction was definitely food. I grew up in a fat household. And I had addictive behavior around food: I remember sneaking food and getting reprimanded for eating too much. Eventually you graduate to other things and soon I was spending my allowance money on baseball games. Then, when I was 13, my grandmother caught me smoking cigarettes. I just liked whatever tasted good.

But it was at my first meeting, when I heard the speaker, that I really realized it. I could hear my life in his and I just thought, “God damn it.” I’d honestly never considered myself an addict until then. But then I got the [20 Questions] pamphlet and started checking off yes’s. I was cornered.

It was interesting because I’d always considered myself to be somewhat brave—someone willing to plumbing the depths of my soul for my songs. I didn’t think of myself as someone who turned a blind eye toward the truth.


I have a very skewed sense of what satisfaction feels like.

What surprised you the most about sobriety?

The quickness of the changes in my life. When I went in to read the audio book, I realized I didn’t spend enough time on that in the book. The first couple of months sucked but at the same time, by the first month, I had enough money to move to another apartment. Small things were immediately working out.

But at the same time, I don’t know that I ever embraced the sober community as much as other people do. I’ve never been good at being social without the lubricant. I’m still not the most social guy now, at just over nine years, and that’s okay. The truth is that I got high and drunk in the first place to avoid all that [social] stuff. I think too many people think that when they get sober, there will be a pot of perfection waiting around the corner for them. But you still are who you are; you’re just more conscious. And I think people think that because they make this big sacrifice—because they turn in their self-destructive ways—they’re going to get some big cash reward.

But you’re someone who has gotten a big cash reward.

Funny that. But still, the cash reward was greatly delayed. I think people expect it’s going to be like a gun reward program, where you turn in your gun and get the reward right then. But now, nine years after the last time I picked up, I am finally figuring out how to deal with the complexities of human relationships. I can now, finally, experience joy and sorrow. Honestly, the writing of that book was the cash reward. Writing about Benny’s death and writing the epilogue, I just put on music and wrote about how my journey with animals got me to this point of being an emotionally available person—someone who’s capable of loving more than just animals. People make fun of me because on the show, I cry all the time. But I hadn’t cried in 20 years [before I got sober], seriously. It’s still coming out. The first month I may have been able to pay my rent but nine years later, I’m actually learning to love people and to be of service to the world.

Do you think addicts are more drawn to pets than non-addicts?

Yeah, but whether or not that relationship is going to be permanent depends on how bad their addiction is. Because, of course, a level of selfishness is part of the addict’s package. But to feel love unconditionally—to come home and know there’s something there—is important when you hate yourself. The thing with me is that I wasn’t drawn to animals because I had a strong drive toward the animal experience; it was that I had a strong drive away from the human experience. I was done with people, I was done with being judged.

You had gastric bypass surgery. Did you get into recovery for food as well as for drugs and alcohol?

Yeah and food’s a tough one: you can’t put the plug in the jug and be done. And after the surgery, you have to be careful: you can kill yourself if you stretch the stomach out. So I did have to do work around it. The first week or so after my surgery, I detoxed as hard as I ever had. I had been living on fast food, which is physically addictive. But you know how it goes: if you’re an addict, you don’t give a shit about being buzzed, you give a shit about being loaded. It’s not about being satisfied; it’s about being full. And I have a very skewed sense of what satisfaction feels like.

Do you spend a lot of time working on your sobriety?

Well, I hadn’t been to a meeting in three months when I went to one a few weeks ago in Colorado and was finally able to pick up my nine-year chip. When I was sharing there, I was able to admit that sometimes I work a great program and sometimes I work a shitty program but as long as I do my gratitude list and a quick [Steps] 1-2-3—as long as I turn my life the fuck over—I know I’ll survive it.

Did you have any hesitations about putting the fact that you’re an addict out there?

I had no intention of putting it out there. I had the intention of writing about Benny, but very early on it became clear that I couldn’t tell his story without telling mine. It wouldn’t have been fair to him.

What would you say is your greatest challenge?

I need people to remind me sometimes to be grateful. Normal people look at me and say, “Are you that unappreciative of the life you have?” But if you’re one of us and your life doesn’t feel like one prolonged orgasm, it feels disappointing. [Laughs] Just to have a normal life doesn’t feel like enough. A couple of months ago, someone asked me how it felt to be achieving what I’ve achieved lately and I said, “I wish I could disappear into the pleasure again.” And that was my signal that I needed to go to a meeting. Because the desire to disappear into pleasure signifies a desire to disappear yourself. Still, I couldn’t be happier that this thing that’s happening for me is happening now—at 46 instead of at 26. That’s the grace of the universe. Because the cash reward back then could have killed me.

Anna David is the Executive Editor of The Fix and the author of the books Party Girl, Bought, Reality Matters, Falling For Me and Animal Attraction. She's written about sex addiction, gambling addiction, Thomas Jane and Tom Sizemore, among many other topics, for The Fix.