Hi 4C Women,
Letting go of the fear of the unknown and wanting to rewrite history certainly kept me stuck in the past. Each time I tried to prove myself lovable and worthy, all I got was trapped in a vicious cycle of victimization because I was working so hard at trying to be what someone else thought I "should" be. My focus was all wrong but I was stuck in guilt that if I was smarter, prettier or worked harder in my role as wife, I would be loved in a way that I needed. As I started practicing Statement #9, I realized an important aspect was necessary to stop the victimizing of my unfounded failings. That aspect was forgiving myself. That act of forgiveness changed my actions, responses and attitude. It helped me to learn that self-love and forgiveness was the key to letting go of the impossible - changing another person's definition of what my role should be and how love and forgiveness needs to be expressed and given. Sometimes we carry old baggage for so long that we may not recall when or why we packed our guilt and shame, and most importantly, why we continue to carry it around.
Below is a message from Nancy Cross that dates back a few years. She was a phenomenal woman, strong supporter of WFS, certified moderator, board member, held the first online chat and wrote thousands of encouraging messages. Sadly, Nancy passed away on August 25, 2015. In honor of her commitment and loyalty to WFS, I wanted to share her message on Statement 9 - so powerful and insightful.
"I recently had the opportunity to hear Claudia Black, PhD, speak here in Cincinnati . Claudia is a well known author and lectures on addiction and family issues. You may have read one of her many books, "It Will Never Happen to Me: Growing up with Addiction as Youngsters, Adolescents, Adults." (http://www.claudiablack.com)
During the second half of the lecture, she presented a visual exercise using three members of the audience. In front of the volunteers there were numerous pieces of luggage, all shapes, colors, and sizes. The luggage was handed out to the volunteers - some for them to hold and some for them to hang on their shoulders and arms. Claudia then went on to explain the luggage. There is hard-sided luggage representing people who are known for saying, "I can do it myself, I do not need help," and the soft-sided luggage represents those who "sit on the fence or can't make a firm decision."
There was green luggage (envy), red luggage (anger), blue luggage (sadness), and black luggage (guilt, shame, and depression). All of the things we tend to carry with us or hang on to from our past. When we find we have too much to carry, we look for a cart. That cart in my case, was my addiction. It helped me carry the load, or so I thought. But that cart only led to other carts as I needed more and more to help with the extra baggage of guilt and shame that became overwhelming.
The key sentence in her presentation, for me, was, "Do you know who packed your bags?" Wow! So many thoughts came to mind when she said that - voices from the past of parents, other family, friends, co-workers, teachers, ex-spouse, and my own voice echoing my lack of self-confidence. Each and every one had a hand in packing the luggage that I carried around all of those drinking years. And was it heavy!
She went on to say that each of us has a choice to continue carrying that luggage, or, to repack it as we see fit to lighten our daily load. We can unpack all the "shoulds", the "cant’s" and the "I wish I would haves." We can toss out the guilt and shame we carried for so many years. WE have a choice!
We may have added positive things to our luggage in sobriety/recovery, however, those bags are still going to be tough to tote until we dig to the bottom layers and toss out the negatives stowed there.
Consider the WFS Program a training manual on how to repack that luggage. There are some wise lessons to be learned. I know finding and embracing WFS helped me lighten my load and I have long since given up looking for a cart.
So, let me ask you -
Do you know who packed your bags?
Have you discovered how to lighten your load?
Enjoy, Nancy"
Bonded in healing from the past and unpacking those unnecessary bags of guilt and shame!
4C WFS Member
