JULY 13 v 2 TWELVE STEPPING WITH STRENGTH FROM THE PSALMS

How long must I struggle with anguish in my soul,

with sorrow in my heart every day?

How long will my enemy have the upper hand?

STEP 2 - Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity !

My enemy was Addiction ! The enemy turned my life into a inescapable wasteland with not an ounce of joy too be found anywhere in anything . They say in recovery one of the most important parts of us that does not get addressed or gets fixed is our souls. Recovery should be mental , physical and spiritual ! In my personal journey through addiction and sobriety , I discovered I was a lost soul desperately trying to fill a void in my life , and no matter how many drugs I did or barrels of booze I drank nothing ever seemed to satisfy. I realize now what I was missing was God ! Only God and His son Jesus can truly fill the emptiness you have in your heart . Relationship with your creator who knows all things and misses you and always has loved you and always will love you unconditionally . The search is over you know where to find fulfillment and you have a certain set of steps and if your willing to work than you can have it . It does not have be a struggle anymore .Let Go and Let God friend !

Jerimiah 29 ;11 - For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith the LORD, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected end.

By Joseph Dickerson

Unhappy Camper—Joe Sober Strikes Again

The continuing adventures of AA cliché Joe Sober. This installment—Joe gets into self-service with a smile!

inventory this! 

By Joe Sober

07/09/14

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Its 4:20 am on a misty morning out here on the edge of everywhere. I’m standing outside the old, rundown church where we hold my 4:30 am meeting. I’m smoking a Nat Sherman Menthol and watching all the rough boys sheepishly walk out of their CMA meeting. Less sober than me but live and let live, right?

CMA is kind of like SA and just as bloody. I had a cousin in MA that led him to OA and he wound up in PA at a state mental hospital. I like to keep it pure and ultra-classic with my AA. Except today; because I’m the boss at this 4:30 am meeting, I’m going to start calling our group the Smug Solutions. 'Come on down to the SS for some hardcore sobriety' is what I look forward to everyone in town—and particularly in LA—saying to each other. There’ll be a line to get into my meeting! It’s going to be a hit. I’ll be king of AA. You wait right there and see.

Most of the guys at my meeting are what we in AA call “old timers”—which is AA speak for “almost dead.”

A bunch of the dudes gave me a “Hey Joe,” and I gave them that "What’s up? I’m cool with you being a meth head" nod in return. That’s just the power of my sobriety at work. Well that and the sexual power of the insanely hot military inspired jacket I’m wearing over my fitted mauve polo tee, along with my tight indigo denim pants that drape over my brown brogue leather boots in a saddle tan color.

“We have a real meeting in here at 4:30! So clear out but don’t nod out!”

I love that last part. I made it up right there on the spot. Finally that improv class I made my dead sponsee pay for was rocking the house. I hope somebody in TV heard me.

Now comes the tough part—setting up. I always get someone less sober than me to do this fingernail work. Mainly because it’s good for their sobriety to put up my signs the way I like them and make my coffee the way it should be made. The other reason is that most of the guys at my meeting are what we in AA call “old timers”—which is AA speak for “almost dead”—so they get all cranky and stuff when I ask for their help. They sit there reading their newspapers. (What kind of dumb ass Coulter still reads a newspaper?) Wait until all the folks in LA hear about my meeting. Then they'll all fly here on their jet packs to attend. All those famous people that aren’t sober yet, will be made sober by me. It’s all in the 12th step. Bet you haven’t even read it yet. I’ll bet you can’t even read. Getting sober may not make you smart but it will most definitely make me a movie star!

So I’m banging my gavel and I start telling everyone that this is AA but that now we’re going to call it Smug Solutions

My favorite old timer is Dirty Sanchez. He is definitely the Emperor to my much better looking Darth Maul. He has told me stuff that has blown my mind. If I drop something he says “pick it up,” or if I want to talk to him about how I’m afraid of girls, he says something like “Kid, get the fuck away from me.” I know what he really means is something else because he was loving me even before I came in the rooms! He was loving me while I was in my Ma’s womb. Because I’m special and I stick with the winners like Dirty Sanchez! In AA all the old timers always mean something different than what they say if you really, really, really think about what they say. So much wisdom have they passed on to me. I’m grateful that I figured that out. Now I’m as wise—but will be that much more wise when I’m finger nailing in my pants. If you're new, think about that sentence a lot, it will make sense in a really profound way when you least expect it.

Ka boom!

So I’m banging my gavel and I start telling everyone that this is AA but that now we’re going to call it Smug Solutions and some guy has the nerve to interrupt me and tell me that I’m imposing my will by calling it that, so as boss I willed his fat ass right out of the room for “disrupting the meeting.” Dirty Sanchez and Crusty Carl laughed. I’m pretty sure they were laughing with me. 

I start reading the introductory script and as the sound of my voice is reminding most folks in the room of Adele while she sings “Make You Feel My Love,” in comes a guy I’ll call the poet. I call him this out of mad respect for his anonymity and because I can’t remember his frigging name. Peter something or is it Paul … Anyway he comes in all dressed in black, disgustingly overweight and carrying all those character defects that other less sober people call the weight of the world.

The poet starts going on and on about his "pain" and blah, blah his marriage and blah, blah, blah something about suicide. So I did what I do, I gave him a beginner’s packet and spoketh at him all the great slogans like "easy does it," "keep coming back" and "it works if you work it." I was on a roll! Just talking at this guy a mile a minute! It felt awesome. Dementia Carol told him to read page 459 and everyone else spit out page numbers. Then it occurred to me—in a voice as pretty as His must be, only deeper and more cigarette stained sounding—“Take him to the woods,” said the gorgeous, gravelly phlegm soaked voice of the Almighty. So I took the suicidal poet on a sober retreat.

We swung by my crib to pick up my Kelly Yellowstone 4 person tent (I am grateful to Pedophile Terry for willing me the 50 grand!) some more smokes and, of course, my battered copy of the Big Book (aka the Bible) that my sponsor Greg once threw at my puppy. Thanks, Greg! 

It wasn’t so much that I was going to read aloud from the Big Book, it was more about me getting a chance to read this guy my awesome poems that I wrote inside the pages of it during the endless BB meetings. He had that ‘might know some people that could help me’ look that I couldn’t wait to start exploiting! All in the name of sober! Off to the woods we went.

Along the way I played my Sade then I would hit him with some later Jefferson Airplane (the good stuff. After their upgrade). Then Wham!, I played him some George Michael. “This is your higher power speaking to you Pete!" (Or whatever the heck his name was) “Listen closely!” As suddenly as George was crooning, “You gotta have faith!” we arrived at my destination. It’s in those moments that I know the great dictator in the sky is looking at me and only me and those moments are pretty much every moment of every day except for when I masturbate.

It took the poet 10 hours to set up my killer tent. He asked if he could take a rest and I told him no, that his work was just beginning. I told him to write a list of everyone that he knows in the publishing business along with their numbers. And I told him if he knew any movie stars that he should include their info too. When he was finished he should give it to me and then I was to decide whether or not I would help him.

“I don’t understand,” he whined.

“Understand this,” I said in my serious sounding voice. “A monkey’s hands are the same as his feet.” Long sober silence. I am so sober, it’s scary.

After a delightful evening of experimenting with new oils and creams, I remembered another person was with me and since I was kinda tired, I rewarded the poet by making him sleep outside in the nude. "Shut up bitch," I said when he protested. I felt like a kid again which brought up a lot of shame for me so I kicked the poet, but gently, lovingly. In the teeth. It was a quicker way to being sober like me, I told him. These are only suggestions but, just be my Sherpa, sleep naked in the woods, and take a kick in the mouth and you might be well enough for me to start stepping you first thing in the morning. He took all those suggestions and I feel like I could rule the world! 

I had to pee in the middle of the deep dark night (that’s from one of my poems) and I noticed him lying there all covered in dirt and vomit. It made me think how lucky he was to have me looking out for him, and how, most of the time, my hair falls right into place. Then I peed one of those long, heavy pees that truly sober men pee. He woke up suddenly and right away started with his incessant white noise. Listen, I said, if a cat had the face of a dog, would it still be a cat? Don’t answer, I told him, it’s unanswerable. I was glad he didn’t because I don’t know. I do know that this shut him up.

“My Dad” he suddenly whispered, “My Dad has money. He can pay you.”

Now if I told him that I would be his sponsor and that I wouldn’t charge him a dime because of all that tradition crap, it wouldn’t be a selfish program. Right? If I told him that I had a spiritual awakening and that it was my spiritual duty to carry the message to other alcoholics without a profit incentive, then I would have not been a very good businessman. Seeing how not being a very good businessman is one of my character defects, I decided that I would take his father’s money.

“Where does your dad live?” I asked.

“Malibu,” he said and at or around the same time some kind of woods bird type thing made a sound. That was my higher power speaking to me and saying, "Take this man’s money and get him to take you to freaking MALIBU and charge him like $2000 a day, only he said it in a woodsy bird kind of way. I’ll take him through the steps very slowly. One a year!!!! One a decade!!!! Oh boy oh boy oh boy! God is making me a sober companion! And a very connected future poet/movie star that one day hopes to direct! 

By the time I got to my car I had a very sober boner. I told the poet to turn away and I prayed that my higher power that I choose to call the squealing baby Jesus was looking at Uganda for those next 32 seconds.

I'm pretty sure it would be a cat.

Joe Sober is a pseudonym for a member of Alcoholics Anonymous. He last wrote about why he is more sober than you.

For Comedian Jessica Kirson, Staying Sober Is No Laughing Matter

Speaking exclusively to The Fix, comedian Jessica Kirson opens up about the struggles of staying sober while on the road, performing in venues where alcohol is flowing and what keeps her grounded through it all. 

By McCarton Ackerman

07/11/14

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Jessica Kirson has developed a reputation as one of the most respected comedians in the business. No less of an authority figure than Louis C.K. has branded the New Jersey-born performer as one of his favorite comics. Throughout her career, she’s performed on numerous television shows including The Tonight Show with Jay Leno, The View,Last Call with Carson Daly and seasons 2 and 3 of Last Comic Standing. She also recently made her big screen debut in Nick Cannon’s School Dance, which also stars Jim Breuer and George Lopez.

But in order to achieve this level of success, she had to get sober first. When fairly standard teenage drug experimentation during high school developed into a major problem in her mid-20s, she checked herself into rehab. After a pair of relapses in the beginning stages of her sobriety, she has now been clean and sober for 15 years. Speaking exclusively to The Fix, Kirson opened up about the struggles of staying sober while on the road, performing in venues where alcohol is flowing and what keeps her grounded through it all. 

When did your drug use first begin?

I started using at 12, but it was always pot and alcohol at that point. I began experimenting more in high school and moved into trying cocaine, ecstasy and mushrooms. But my drug use kept progressing and getting worse and worse. 

In college, I thought I was just being wild and crazy because everyone else was partying as well. I was never the kind of person to have one drink because I didn’t see the point. It was always to get wasted.

When did you get to the point where you knew something had to change?

That didn’t come until my mid-20’s. It sounds weird, but I got myself to that point on purpose because I knew there was a problem. I was doing cocaine and wasn’t even enjoying it, but needed to reach that bottom so that things could change. I eventually sent myself to rehab when I was 24.

A lot of what they taught me in rehab went into my head, but I wasn’t fully ready at that point. I used again, but it never got to the point that it had before. In the past 20 years, I’ve relapsed twice.

Do you still work a program these days?

Absolutely. I work a very strong program. The times I’ve relapsed were when I wasn’t working a program. I tried to do it my way and, speaking only for myself, it just didn’t work.

And after all of these years, the meetings still help for me. I’ll hear something that sticks with me at every meeting I go to. Addicts have what we call built-in forgetters. We forget where we were and where we came from. There’s a lot of denial. It’s important to talk to people who can set me straight because left to my own devices, I don’t always make the right decisions. Even last night, I felt a lot of stress after a show and the first thing I did was call some friends who are in recovery because they’ve been there and they get me.

Personally, I know that I can’t do it alone. I need the help because I have a tendency to isolate. I can hate myself or think I’m the greatest thing ever. Most people can understand obsession in some form whether it’s over a guy or a job, but addicts obsess over everything. A huge point of the meetings is to have people relate to you and make you realize that they’ve felt the same way. You feel crazy otherwise.

Did you get sober before starting stand-up or were you still using in the beginning?

When I started stand-up, I was in a relapse and was smoking pot every day and drinking. I’ve never done a show high, though. I did one open mic after smoking pot and had a breakdown on stage because I was so paranoid. I was wondering why everyone was laughing at me. [Laughs]. But thank God I never did a show high. I know a lot of people in the business who have had a hard time staying sober because they felt like they had to be high when they were on stage. 

Does performing in places where alcohol is flowing and the crowd is often drunk complicate things at all for you?

Personally, the obsession to use has been lifted. Occasionally if I’m stressed out, I’ll think that it would be nice if I could have a drink. Or if I’m with a group of comics and they’re all drinking, it’s like a small party. I’ll sometimes wish that I could be that person who could just have one drink. But for the most part, it’s annoying to be the sober one around people who are wasted and don’t have boundaries. It’s actually turned me off to it a lot of times. 

Do you find it any harder to work the program you have when you’re on the road?

It’s very hard sometimes. I’ve been in meetings on the road all over the country, but the times when I don’t go, I sit in the hotel room and I’m miserable. When you’re on the road, you can feel alone, bored, tired. You feel out of touch with everything and isolating is one of the worst things that addicts can do. I have to make an effort to see friends because there are times when I could easily just sit at home and not talk to anyone.

We’ve lost so many talented comics over the years like Mitch Hedberg, Greg Giraldo and John Belushi due to drugs. Why do you think that addiction is so prevalent in the comedy industry?

I think that a lot of times, addicts are smart, creative people. And a lot of humor comes from pain and tragedy. You have to laugh at those things. It makes sense that a lot of addicts do comedy. 

But being in the business, the highs and lows of it, can exacerbate an addiction. Being sober is really hard in this business. When people’s careers take off, they think they’re okay and don’t need to stay sober. They forget where they came from and what happened and you can never forget that. Personally, I have to remember other people’s stories. It’s a very dark place to be in when you relapse.

Is there any kind of camaraderie or support system amongst other sober comics in the business?

I’m aware of who most of them are. A lot of them are sober, but don’t work a program. I was talking to a comic who has 25 years sober, but hasn’t been to a meeting in four. That’s what we call a dry drunk. You may not be drinking anymore, but your behaviors haven’t changed and you’re just white-knuckling it. Personally, I’ve found that a lot of people who white-knuckle it and don’t go to meetings are miserable.

The problem is that most people don’t see this as a disease. If you have diabetes, you take medication. Doing things like having a sponsor and helping other people is my medication and if I don’t do it, I get sick.

Is doing stand-up part of your way of helping others and being in service?

It is in a way, but if I perform at a recovery show and get paid for it, then it’s a fine line. I think that service can be something as simple as helping someone carry bags to their car. My sponsor told me that just smiling to someone and saying “have a nice day” is all part of that. Whenever I help other people, I get out of myself and am 100 percent happier.

We spoke last year with comedian Mark Lundholm, who said that comics who weren’t in recovery typically didn’t do well performing in recovery shows. Do you feel the same way?

I’ve seen people not in recovery do very well at those kinds of shows. I don’t think it’s impossible, but the material has to be tailored. Obviously talking about getting drunk wouldn’t be good. But when it’s an addict performing, it’s often funnier because they get it and can relate to the audience from their own perspective. 

But I truly do believe there’s no better audience than people in recovery because they really just need to laugh. You have to laugh at your past. It’s traumatic at first, but then you go, “that was fucking ridiculous. I used to look out of a peephole for six hours when I was on cocaine.” But when people come up to me after those shows and say something like, “I just got sober and I haven’t laughed that hard in so long,” that’s what I love. It’s an amazing feeling.

McCarton Ackerman has been a regular contributor to The Fix since 2011. He last wrote about Bad Grandpas.

How's Your Mental Health?

Take a Quiz and Find Out

Are you depressed? Anxious? Take a short test to measure or identify depression, anxiety, PTSD, and Narcissism. Plus bonus quizzes: Are you an extrovert or an introvert? Is your partner trying to control you?

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By Rita Milios

07/10/14

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Ask an Expert

Porn Causes Drop In Mental Power, Study Says

Beyond Salvage: A Fresh Vision of Mental Health

Addiction Is a Mental Illness. Treat It That Way.

Click to jump to your question:

Short Depression Screen*

Answer “yes” or “no” to the following questions:

I have lost interest in things I used to like to do. 

I feel hopeless about my future. 

I find it more difficult than it should be to make decisions.

I feel sluggish and often get tired for no reason. 

I am gaining or losing weight without intending to. 

I feel helpless to make changes I’d like to make in my life. 

I am sleeping too much, or too little. 

I often feel unhappy or sad, or easily cry. 

I easily become irritable or anxious. 

I think about dying or killing myself. 

If you answered “yes” to three or more of these questions, and you have felt this way most every day for several weeks, you may be experiencing depression and should seek a full assessment by a psychiatrist, mental health counselor or other health care professional. If you answered yes to question 10, you should seek help immediately, regardless of your answer to any other questions.

*A screen is a short, simple tool used to identify potential risk. It is not a full mental health assessment and does not indicate a diagnosis. It is intended for educational purposes and for determining if a fuller assessment of risk by a mental health professional is indicated.

Short PTSD Screen*

Answer “yes” or “no” to the following questions: 

Have you experienced or witnessed an event that made you feel intensely fearful, helplessness, or horrified?

Do you repeatedly have memories or ruminations about an unsettling or traumatic event that you witnessed or experienced? 

Do you have recurring, distressing dreams about an unsettling or traumatic event that you witnessed or experienced?

Do you experience flashbacks (feeling as if a traumatic event were happening again, like you are “reliving” it)?

Do you become physically or emotionally distressed when something reminds you of a traumatic event that you witnessed or experienced?

Do you avoid activities, places, or people that remind you of a traumatic event that you witnessed or experienced?

Do you feel detached from other people since witnessing or experiencing a traumatic event?

Do you feel that your range of emotions has become restricted since you witnessed or experienced a traumatic event?

Are you get uncharacteristically irritable or angry after having experienced a traumatic event?

Do you feel a need to be "on guard" since you witnessed or experienced a traumatic event?

Are you more easily startled after having experienced a traumatic event?

If you answered “yes” to the first question plus three or more additional questions, and you have felt this way since the traumatic event happened, you may be experiencing post-traumatic stress. You should seek a full assessment by a psychiatrist, mental health counselor or other health care professional.

*A screen is a short, simple tool used to identify potential risk. It is not a full mental health assessment and does not indicate a diagnosis. It is intended for educational purposes and for determining if a fuller assessment of risk by a mental health professional is indicated. 

Short Anxiety Screen*

Answer “yes” or “no” to the following questions:

Would you describe yourself as a “worrier” ?

Have you ever experienced shortness of breath, palpitations or shaking for no apparent reason?

Are you ever concerned that you may lose control of yourself, or "go crazy"?

Do you often avoid social situations because you are concerned that you won’t know what to say or how to act?

Do you have specific fears of certain things (ex. animals) or activities (ex: flying)?

Do you often feel restless or fidgety?

Do you often worry that something bad will happen to you or someone close to you?

Do you have trouble concentrating or maintaining a mental focus?

Do you get physical symptoms (sweating, pounding heart, upset stomach) when you are in unfamiliar circumstances?

Do you tend to anticipate the worst outcomes rather than the more favorable ones?

If you answered “yes” to three or more of these questions, and you have felt this way most every day for several weeks, you may be experiencing anxiety and should seek a full assessment by a psychiatrist, mental health counselor or other health care professional.

*A screen is a short, simple tool used to identify potential risk. It is not a full mental health assessment and does not indicate a diagnosis. It is intended for educational purposes and for determining if a fuller assessment of risk by a mental health professional is indicated.

Are You Narcissistic… or are You Really Better than Everyone Else?

Answer “yes” or “no” to the following questions:

I have a natural talent for influencing people.

I enjoy being the center of attention.

I believe I am a special person.

I am assertive, in a good way.

I see myself as a leader.

I find it easy to get people to do things I ask of them.

I rarely need to depend on others to get things done.

I usually inspire respect from others, and I feel I deserve it.

I have a strong will to be successful; therefore I am.

I am never satisfied unless I get all that I deserve.

If you answered “yes” to 3-4 of the above questions, you have a good sense of self-esteem, which is helpful for reaching goals and being satisfied with your life. If you answered “yes” to 5-8 of the above questions, you are likely to be a little cocky – which can be a good thing if tempered with respect and genuine concern for others. If you answered “yes” to 9 or all 10 of the above questions, you may have a somewhat over-stated view of your own personal worth….or then again, if you really are that good, kudos to you…just try not to look down on the rest of us, please!

Are You an Introvert or Extrovert?

Would you rather…….

A. Go to a party?

B. Stay home and read a book?

A. Work with a team?

B. Work alone?

A. Join in a group conversation at a party?

B. Stay on the sidelines and chat with just one person?

A. Ask your friends their opinions about solving a problem?

B. Figure it out for yourself?

A. Be spontaneous in your speech and actions?

B. Hold back and take time to think before you speak or act?

If you answered "A" to four or more of the above questions, then you likely have more of an extroverted (outgoing and novelty-seeking) personality style. Extroverts tend to have a wider circle of friends and acquaintances, but they may not have extremely close ties with anyone inside these circles.

If you answered "B" to four or more of the above questions, then you likely have more of an introverted (thoughtful and reserved) personality style. Introverts often choose friends more carefully and strive for more closeness in their relationships. 

If your answers included a more equal mix of “As” and “Bs," then you are flexible in your personality style, depending on the situation. Many people have a mix of both styles.

Is Your Partner Trying to Control You?

Answer “yes” or “no” to the following questions:

My partner says I spend too much time with my friends.

My partner accuses me of flirting when I am just being friendly.

My partner tells me how I should dress.

My partner regularly checks my phone and email messages.

My partner texts me and/or calls me multiple times each day.

My partner says he/she is the only one I need in my life.

My partner won’t let me go away for weekend trips without him/her.

My partner tells me that he/she knows what is best for me.

My partner gets moody or angry when I disagree with him/her.

My partner has a hard time accepting “no” for an answer, especially from me.

If you answered “yes” to 2-3 of the above questions, you may be involved with someone who is a bit controlling. You should watch for escalation of this behavior, and view any increase in the behavior as a red flag. If you answered “yes” to 4-6 of the above questions, you are indeed dealing with a controlling person….not a good indicator for a mutually respectful and supportive relationship. You may want to consider your options before you are in too deep. If you answered “yes” to 7- 10 of the above questions, you may actually be experiencing emotional abuse. Please reach out to family, friends and/or a counselor to address ways to remedy this risky situation.

----

Rita Milios, LCSW, is the Mental Health Editor for The Fix and is a psychotherapist in private practice, author of more than 30 books, and frequent professional lecturer and on-camera expert. She also facilitates workshops and training for clinicians, therapists, writers, holistic practitioners, businesses and associations. She is known as "The Mind Mentor" because of her unique approach to “mind tools training.” RitaMilios.linktoexpert.com

No Drugs, No Drink, No Problem—Straight Edge Then and Now

The 80's hardcore scene devoted to clean living is alive and well. And loud.

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By Laura Barcella

07/09/14

“I see substance abuse as a very mainstream activity,” says Ian MacKaye, DC’s legendary frontman of Minor Threat and Fugazi. We’re talking about the birth of thestraight edge scene, and he’s explaining why he decided to start speaking—er, singing? barking?—out against the notion that punk rock must always be drug-addled and debaucherous. It doesn’t, of course—nothing does—hence the straight edge subculture.

Too young (or cool) to remember it? Here’s a primer: Straight edge is a clean-living youth movement that evolved from punk rock’s hardcore scene in the early ‘80s (if you’re into this stuff, it might be helpful to know that MacKaye founded Dischord Records way back in 1980). Through records, shows, zines, documentaries, books, and more, the slowly growing straight edge (or “sXe”) masses encouraged their fans—and friends—to adopt the “straight” lifestyle that was at the heart of the movement: no drugs, no alcohol, no cigarettes, and, for many, no promiscuous sex.

Of course, like any group where young men are overrepresented – think the military, professional sports, fraternities – straight edge did (and still does) sometimes include dudes behaving badly.

Nearly every ethos promoted and adopted by the sXe scene was in direct opposition to its usual treatment in the punk world; in some ways, straight edge was a direct middle-finger to the idea that “real” punk must be dark and hedonistic. Ian MacKaye remembers being surrounded by that lifestyle growing up as a teenager in the ‘70s: “There was a pervasive amount of substance abuse - very public substance abuse,” he says.

A disappointed MacKaye watched his friends turn to dope and drinking by age 13. “As a high school kid, I remember thinking that if the only [path] to rebellion was self-destruction, then that’s a wash for them,” he says, noting that part of what he loved most about punk was the delight it took in deviating from the mainstream.

MacKaye’s lack of interest in “partying”—indeed, his belief that partying was generally self-destructive—was one of the themes that sparked the influential Minor Threat song he wrote, called Straight Edge(“I'm a person just like you/but I've got better things to do/than sit around and smoke dope/because I know that I can cope/Always gotta keep in touch/never wanna use a crutch/I’ve got the straight edge.”) In the song, MacKaye spoke out against substances as well as what he calls conquest-ual sex, aka “boys trying to fuck every girl they could because they had issues.” He continues, “I still think that a huge amount of substance abuse is directly connected to [people’s] sexual inhibitions, but using alcohol and drugs to make intimate connections can lead to destructive relationships or interactions.”

Despite MacKaye having officially coined the term “straight edge,” he doesn’t—and never has—identified as part of that scene. “I stand behind the song, but it wasn't intended to be a movement,” he says. Whatever it was intended to convey, though, the song neatly encapsulated many of the ideals that began to drive the burgeoning sXe scene.

And soon it wasn’t just MacKaye decrying the use of brain-foggers. Eschewing substances was, for many straightedge bands (see Youth of Today, Insted, Chorus of Disapproval, and Judge) and their fans, the ultimate act of resistance to the rampant consumerism that defined—and still defines—American culture.

Shawna Kenney, an LA-based writer and former straight edge devotee, still chooses to forgo alcohol and drugs today. Kenney grew up in the DC area and began to embrace the movement in high school. “I grew up in a household of smokers, with alcoholism in my extended family,” she remembers. And, like MacKaye, she says, “The idea that rebelling against [that stuff could be] a ‘punk thing,’ was so cool to me.”

But didn’t she miss getting messed up? Isn’t high school kind of considered a free-for-all “let’s go overboard with rabid experimentation” age? Not for Kenney, who says, “I had other straight edge friends and we kind of made fun of the ‘checking out/getting fucked up’ mentality. Sometimes I’d get a little jealous of how quickly people seemed to bond [when] high or drunk, but I knew that just wasn’t me.”

Ross Haenfler, an associate professor of sociology at the University of Mississippi and author ofStraight Edge: Hardcore Punk, Clean Living Youth, and Social Change, got heavily involved with the sXe scene beginning around 1988-1989, and he echoes Kenney’s sentiment. “Realizing that I could be ‘cool’ and not drink, that I could have a community that rejected most measures of popularity, was a life-changing moment,” he says.

Also life-changing for many kids was straight edge’s focus on activism and social justice. As Haenfler recalls, “Straight edge not only turned me on to the exploitive cigarette and alcohol companies ... It also turned me on to animal rights and honed the interests I already had in women’s rights, gay rights, environmentalism, anti-racism, anti-capitalism, and DIY culture.”

Speaking of women’s rights, it’s well-documented that not many women participated in the straight edge scene—or at least attended its shows—in the early days. Whether that was because they just weren’t into it or because they felt unwelcome is anyone’s guess. But Shawna Kenney, for one, says she never felt like an outsider. “There were definitely not a lot of women at shows in the ‘80s,” she admits. But “[I] had many male friends and played an active role in our scene, so I never felt unwelcomed - maybe just underrepresented in some ways.” And she’s quick to note that many sXe bands had feminist lyrics and politics - “it just took a while for people to walk the walk as well as talk the talk.”

Like Kenney, Ross Haenfler wasn’t alone in his sXe-fueled celebration of more politically progressive beliefs, especially when it came to the animal front. Vegetarianism and veganism grew into a fairly major theme throughout the scene in the ‘90s (some folks name Youth of Today's 1988 song "No More" as the catalyst for that). But did all sXe kids automatically go vegan? Was someone considered “fake-edge” if they decided to keep eating meat? Nope, just a misconception—and one of many.

Another popular myth? That straight edge is a violent movement (one confused user helpfully explained on Yahoo Answers: “Straight edge was a movement based around fitness and beating up drug addicts and drunks”). Of course, like any group where young men are overrepresented—think the military, professional sports, fraternities—straight edge did (and still does) sometimes include dudes behaving badly. Haenfler recalls a radio interview in which the DJ “asked me during an on-air interview if I had ever ‘curbed’ someone—stomped on someone’s head on a street curb. I was like, ‘Really?’”

Though Haenfler’s research has shown that the vast majority of straight edgers have no penchant for violence, there are smaller, more aggro, more intolerant (think abundant sexism, homophobia, and racism) sXe subsections. One of the more disturbing offshoots is a straight edge branch of racist skinheads. As one user calling himself “Aryan_Pride_88” wrote on the white-supremacist Web forum Stormfront.org, “I am ... a proud straightedge skinhead. There are more of us around than you think. The mainstream straight edge scene isn’t very vegan or spiritual-friendly either, it’s mainly based around hardcore shows and fist fights.”

But Jason Heller, a writer in Denver who loved straight edge bands as a teenager, agrees with Haenfler’s assertion that it is is usually harmless ... to a point. “For the most part, the straight edge scene is and always has been made up of very cool, decent people who are attracted to that lifestyle for their own reasons,” Heller concedes. But he does remember witnessing sXe kids who could get intense—even wrathful—when other members of the movement decided to “break edge” (i.e., began drinking or using). They could be “borderline militant about their hatred of drinkers,” he says, “I know former straight edge people who have gotten beaten up, even put in the hospital, for breaking their edge.”

And naturally a significant number of people did eventually “break edge”—like most youth-driven cultural scenes, not everyone who subscribed to straightedge back then stayed involved, especially as they grew older. Heller, who hadn’t had a drink since age 15, decided to try drinking at age 27. At first, the feeling of discovery was “exhilarating,” he recalls. “I felt like I’d been walking around holding [my] breath for twelve years, and finally I had given myself permission to breathe.”

But alcoholism runs in Heller’s family, and soon his experience with booze began to go sour. “I’d always battled anxiety and depression, and [drinking only] made things worse, while [simultaneously] giving me the impression ... that it was helping,” he says. He went on to give up drinking for a second time before eventually allowing himself to drink moderately in his late thirties. He’s no longer involved with straight edge, though he’s still vocal about his love for some of the bands of yore.

So what happens when, like Heller, sXers grow out of it? Do they grow out of it? Sure, some of them. Though there’s still a straight edge scene today, it doesn’t look much like the movement of the ‘80s and ‘90s. Haenfler, for one, claims the culture is still thriving, though, especially in other parts of the world. “Right now, I’d say straight edge is a vibrant global subculture,” he says. “Germany’s WOLFxDOWN are very popular—with a woman vocalist no less ... a rarity.”

And just like any other underground music culture, the movement goes through both growth spurts and patches of stagnation. At this point, it’s anyone’s guess what the future of sXe will hold. We just hope it keeps proving that sobriety doesn’t have to suck, that you can be a freak and have fun without picking up or “selling out.”

Laura Barcella has been a regular contributor since 2011. She recently wrote about love addiction andsecret sober pot smokers.

 The Failure of Catch and Release Drug Treatment Court

My son's experience of drug treatment court highlights a system that misunderstands addict psychology with fatal results.

Shutterstock

By Ellen Sousares

07/08/14

At least if he’s in jail, I know he is safe, I thought, desperately, as I accepted the collect charges from my son. I’m not sure if it was his fourth or fifth incarceration since he’d entered the drug treatment court program—I’ve lost count of the seven to 14 day sentences he has “served” for his disease in the last four months (not to mention the associated fees). 

Four months ago (six years into his addiction) my son was arrested on his first felony charge for possessing what amounted to two single doses of heroin for personal use. He was held for seven to 10 days and then seen by a drug court judge who offered to reduce the charges to a misdemeanor if he successfully completed a drug court treatment program.

Naturally, I was ecstatic—Finally! Help! I thought. However, the drug court’s first play at “treatment” was to release my son—a long term, daily heroin user in a chronic state of addiction—to the streets, on his own accord, with instructions to return another day to meet with his probation officer. 

My hope crumbled into horror.

What the court failed to consider is that my son struggles with a severe, life threatening disease which hijacks the same parts of his brain that are responsible for motivation and choice—a disease that produces cravings that speak to the same parts of the brain that stimulate him to breathe, or to feel hunger and eat. Who of us, if locked starving in a cage for a week, would not eat the first edible thing we laid eyes on the moment we were released? 

It was no startling or unanticipated surprise when he relapsed and missed his probation appointment. Conversely, the most startling occurrence in this sequence of events was that the same court that expects my son to remain abstinent under the threat of a felony conviction, did nothing to assess the severity of his addiction and to provide the treatment it promised. 

Within days, my son was apprehended on a warrant for failure to appear, and the near deadly cycle of punitive catch and release began. Rather than sending him to inpatient treatment when he was apprehended for a second and a third time, the drug treatment court, following its standard protocol, repeatedly released my son to the street. 

On his third or fourth drug court hearing, after being incarcerated for 10 days for failure to make his probation appointment yet again, the court probation officer inquired of the judge, “Should we roll the dice on this one?”

My son’s life was then reduced to a gamble, and he was placed at an unfair disadvantage to inevitably wind up on the losing end. With a low drug tolerance and a high risk for overdose—brought on by 10 squandered days of detainment with no treatment—my son overdosed on heroin just hours after he was, once again, released from jail. 

In the midst of my excitement at a possible solution, and along with the chaotic daily landscape that parents with addicted children often live in, I had obviously neglected to do my homework on drug courts. Within a few short weeks of my son entering drug treatment court, serious questions and concerns arose about this program that my son, with a felony hanging over his head if he fails, is now committed to. 

And although it is apparent, as is the case with most forms of treatment, that drug court is very effective for those for whom it works, most of what I’ve discovered about this method of “treatment-meets-punishment” has left me just as anxious about my son’s safety and access to appropriate treatment as I was when he was lost to the streets. 

Graduated Sanctions: A Deterrent to Drug Use or a Life-Risking Gamble?

“Flash incarcerations,” or short jail stints such as those sanctioned against my son shortly before he overdosed, are widely used within treatment courts as a method to deter participants from further drug use. The National Association of Drug Court Professionals (NADCP) refers to this practice as “graduated sanctions” and hails it as an “evidence based practice” and one of “10 Key Components” for an effective drug court. 

The evidence for the effectiveness of sanctions, as well as drug courts in general, is a hotly debated topic between NADCP and other groups who prefer a health centered approach to the disease of addiction, such as the Drug Policy Alliance and the National Association of Criminal Defense Lawyers. There is limited research on the effectiveness of graduated sanctions within drug courts, and virtually no research on the correlation between overdose and flash incarceration. 

No information was found on the overdose risk these sanctions create on either the NADCP website or its sister educational site National Drug Court Institute (NCDI). Also, aside from a link to SAMHSA’s overdose prevention toolkit, I found no mention of overdose prevention assessment or planning within drug courts on the NADCP site. 

However, overdose is no stranger to drug treatment courts, even within the courtroom itself. Yet, when a drug court juror overdosed in a Boston courtroom in March, it was a community member, from the community based organization Learn to Cope, who happened to have the naloxone in her purse that saved a life in the courtroom that day. 

My son was fortunate to have survived his post-incarceration overdose, unlike others struggling with addiction who have died from overdose shortly after being released from incarceration.  

A Lack of Appropriate Treatment Leaves a Family Grieving 

On April 2nd, 25-year-old Tasha Riley of Marion, OH overdosed within two weeks of being reassigned from prison to drug treatment court. Riley had written her sister from prison saying, “My judge is wanting to judicial me out in 30 days. He is wanting me to do drug court and I guess that is an 18 month program. I’m better off doing my time and get[ting] out without papers.” 

Riley’s mother, Janie Wagers, says her daughter wanted to stay in prison because she knew she was still at risk of relapsing and had not had enough time in a structured environment. Nonetheless, she was enrolled in treatment court and in a period of two weeks, according to her mother, Riley tested positive for drugs twice. 

Wagers stated that the drug court took no action to intervene after her daughter tested positive for drugs, such as mandating inpatient treatment or dismissing her from the program and returning her to incarceration. Enrolled for merely two weeks in drug treatment court, and just hours after her 2nd positive drug test, Tasha Riley overdosed on heroin and died, leaving behind three children under the age of eight.

Marion County judge Jim Slagle, who created the drug treatment court last year, flatly denied that Riley had ever tested positive for drugs.

Relapse is a frequently occurring symptom of addiction—and relapse for people addicted to opiates carries a high risk of mortality and morbidity. Even with just a few days of abstinence, an addicted person’s tolerance for opiates is dramatically decreased. Much less of the drug is needed to create the same effects, and resuming drug use at prior levels can flood opiate receptors in the brain’s respiratory center and quickly lead to overdose. It is common knowledge within the drug treatment community that the highest risk of opiate overdose occurs when a person has had a period of abstinence, such as during treatment or incarceration. 

The drug court “key component” of graduated sanctions, which shuffles participants in and out of jail, sometimes in a weekly cycle of “catch and release,” can have devastating and deadly consequences from the repeated overdose risk it creates—consequences that Tasha Riley’s three children and the rest of her family and loved ones must now live with on a daily basis.

Why drug treatment courts do not assess and intervene on the overdose risk generated by “flash incarceration” is a perplexing and troubling question—one that deserves to be addressed with the same life and death urgency that this risky practice creates.