Hi 4C Women,
The action wording of Statement #10 always brings tears welling up in my eyes. To learn and "believe" that I am loved was not an easy path for me. I felt unlovable for such a long time. I finally understood that once I learned to love myself authentically that it was returned to me by me. This led to my believing that I was lovable and worthy of being loved by others. I never in my wildest dreams believed any of that was possible. It was life-changing to give and feel love in my heart and soul.
Love is compassion, support, encouragement, appreciation and cherishing those who come into your life, perhaps as strangers who become friends or childhood friends that you stay in contact with and share the history of your youth. For those who are blessed with loving family relationships, the bond of having that love, while challenging at times, can be the foundation for building other loving relationships as we journey through this life. If that is not the case, we still have the ability and capability to build those loving relationships by practicing Statement #10.
I want to share these tips on loving yourself. It's lengthy but worth the read. I am hoping these tips will encourage you to find ways to love yourself and know that all love given returns in diverse ways.
“Being as compassionate, gentle, and loving with ourselves as we would with a best friend – can be pretty hard to do. As women and survivors, we’ve been trained to deny our own feelings and needs, and to take care of others. But it is possible to love ourselves – or at least to increase our self-love in increments, until we can know, deep to our cores, that we love ourselves and that we’re beautiful.”
1. Ask for a list of things people like about you. Sometimes it can be hard to find things we like or love about ourselves, so ask other people to tell you all the things they like about you. This isn’t a replacement for your own love; it’s a first step in learning to love yourself.
2. Make a list of things you like about yourself. Be as honest as you can. Modesty doesn’t help you here; neither do old critical messages. If you’re having trouble finding things you value about yourself, think about the things you value and love in your friends. Then see if those things exist inside you, too. Most often they do.
3. Make it a part of your daily routine to praise something in yourself or think about something you like about yourself. When we love ourselves, we’re happier and more true to our own selves…and that happiness and ability to be free spreads to others.
4. Love yourself like a friend. Close your eyes and think of a person you deeply love and trust. Think about all the things you love and appreciate about them. Now turn it around the other way – be your friend, feeling that same deep love for you. Trust in their love for you and feel the warmth move through you.
5. Make a note every time someone says something nice about you. Put that note in a container of “good things about me.” Keep adding notes and read them over every time you need a little boost.
6. Have compassion for yourself. If you’re feeling really judgmental about something you’ve done or said, try to understand where the judgment is coming from. Are you afraid of something? Are you feeling insecure? Are you hearing judgment of a voice from your past?
7. Recognize that love has to come from you. It can be hard to give it to yourself at first, but you have the courage and strength to love yourself and you do deserve it!
8. Use affirmations. Write out strong, loving things to say to yourself, even if you don’t fully believe them. As an example: “I utterly and completely deserve love and kindness.” Put them where you will see them every day and don’t forget to read them.
9. Recognize self-critical messages and talk to them. Notice the next time you hear a small voice inside your head criticize you. Be aware of what it is saying and try to talk to it. Ask it why it feels the need to say those things. Remind yourself you are free to make up your own mind about yourself.
10. Counteract negative or critical thoughts about yourself. Write them down. Then write out a response that counteracts each of those messages, one by one. Make the counter messages as strong and loving as you can.
11. Do comforting and nurturing things for yourself. Let yourself feel how good you feel when you do those things and tell yourself you deserve to feel that way!
12. Take a moment to get quiet and ask yourself, “What can I do to help myself feel more compassion and love toward myself?” Don’t force the answer - just let it bubble up from inside you. You know best what works for you.
Bonded in knowing you are loved, A loving 4C woman
